ME: How's her cross-dressing friend?
HIM: She is the same. She's planning to get gender reassignment surgery. She's weird.
ME: She IS weird. And not because she dresses like a man...but because she's so bad at it. She says things that she thinks guys would say, but they come out all wrong...like she's trying too hard. Like always talking about how she hates chick flicks and likes action movies. I'm all, "I GET it, you want to be a guy. Relax already."
HIM: You have no idea. She's been asking me for tips on being a guy.
ME: Really?
HIM: Yeah. Do you know that she wears a fake penis?
ME: WHAT?
HIM: Yeah, it's a little tube that's tied to her with a strap. It allows her to use the men's bathroom and pee standing up.
ME: Jesus.
HIM: Yeah, so anyway, she asks me tips about using the men's bathroom. She asked me, "What happens if I fart while I'm peeing? Should I make a joke about it?" And I'm like...dear God, no.
ME: Guys just don't talk in the bathroom.
HIM: Exactly. I'm like, NO, you can't make a joke. When a guy has got his junk hanging out, that's a big deal. It's no time for comedy hour. You shut up and do your business.
ME: That's good. You gave her good advice.
HIM: Yeah.
ME: You think she'll be okay?
HIM: No. I think she's totally going to get her ass kicked.
One of the things that I just can't figure out is bestiality. I mean, to proactively go out and seek congress with members of the animal kingdom--I don't get it. Don't get me wrong; everyone has their thing. If it's a bucket of crisco and several slices of bologna, more power to you. But animals? "Hair of the dog" should always mean an early morning drink and not an aphrodisiac.
There's lots of sexy things out there. Clothes, smell, skin, leather, lace--even the sound of a voice. Who gets through of all of that and thinks "Yeah, okay, fine, but you know what would really make this picture perfect? Adding a MENAGERIE."
Now, you have to understand that I believe in being accommodating. So even if it's not something I'd go out and seek on my own, I'd be tolerant in regards to what my partner wanted. I'd be all "Yes, honey, you can be on top. And yes, we can use your toys. And sure, if you really want the peacock, we'll go with the peacock."
But even there I'd have my limits. At some point I'd have to lay down some ground rules: "Fine, bring on Fluffy. On two conditions. First, he sleeps on your side--I don't want a repeat of all the mess that happened last month with the ferret. And two, this is a FAVOR I'm doing for you. That means the next time we go see a movie, it's a violent shoot 'em up and nothing starring Matthew McConaughey."
it's meme time.
because i haven't the time for a real post but still want to fill the internet with useless information about me. huzzah.
AFI's top 100 movies. Bold the ones you have seen. Strike out the ones you couldn't finish. Star (*) the ones you have seen more than once.
1. Citizen Kane (1941)
2. The Godfather (1972)
3. Casablanca (1942)
4. Raging Bull (1980)
5. Singin’ in the Rain (1952)
6. Gone with the Wind (1939)*
7. Lawrence of Arabia (1962)
8. Schindler’s List (1993)
9. Vertigo (1958)
10. The Wizard of Oz (1939) *
11. City Lights (1931)
12. The Searchers (1956)
13. Star Wars (1977) *
14. Psycho (1960)
15. Sunset Blvd. (1950)
16. 2001 : A Space Odyssey (1968)
17. The Graduate (1967)
18. The General (1927)
19. On the Waterfront (1954)
20. It’s a Wonderful Life (1946) *
21. Chinatown (1974)
22. Some Like It Hot (1959)
23. The Grapes of Wrath (1940)
24. E.T. The Extraterrestrial (1982) *
25. To Kill a Mockingbird (1962)
26. Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (1939)
27. High Noon (1952)
28. All About Eve (1950)
29. Double Indemnity (1944)
30. Apocalypse Now (1979)
31. The Maltese Falcon (1941)
32. The Godfather Part II (1974)
33. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (1975)
34. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)*
35. Annie Hall (1977)
36. The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957)
37. The Best Years of Our Lives (1946)
38. The Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1948)
39. Dr. Strangelove (1964)
40. The Sound of Music (1965) *
41. King Kong (1933)
42. Bonnie and Clyde (1967)
43. Midnight Cowboy (1969)
44. The Philadelphia Story (1940)
45. Shane (1953)
46. It Happened One Night (1934)
47.A Streetcar Named Desire (1951)
48. Rear Window (1954)
49. Intolerance (1916)
50. Lord of the Rings : The Fellowship of the Ring (2001) - is this the first one? then yes, otherwise no.
51. West Side Story (1961)*
52. Taxi Driver (1976)
53. Deer Hunter, The (1978)
54. M*A*S*H (1970)
55. North by Northwest (1959)
56. Jaws (1975)*
57. Rocky (1976)*
58. The Gold Rush (1925)
59. Nashville (1975)
60. Duck Soup (1933)
61. Sullivan’s Travels (1941)
62. American Graffiti (1973)
63. Cabaret (1972)
64. Network (1976)
65. The African Queen (1951)
66. Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981) *
67. Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? (1966)
68. Unforgiven (1992)
69. Tootsie (1982)*
70. A Clockwork Orange (1971)
71. Saving Private Ryan (1998)*
72. The Shawshank Redemption (1994) *
73. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969)
74. The Silence of the Lambs (1991) *
75. In the Heat of the Night (1967)
76. Forrest Gump (1994)*
77. All the President’s Men (1976)
78. Modern Times (1936)
79. The Wild Bunch (1969)
80. The Apartment (1960)
81. Spartacus (1960)
82. Sunrise (1927)
83. Titanic (1997) *
84. Easy Rider (1969)
85. A Night at the Opera (1935)
86. Platoon (1986)
87. 12 Angry Men (1957)
88. Bringing Up Baby (1938)
89. The Sixth Sense (1999)*
90. Swing Time (1936)
91. Sophie’s Choice (1982)
92. Goodfellas (1990)*
93. The French Connection (1971)
94. Pulp Fiction (1994)*
95. The Last Picture Show (1971)
96. Do the Right Thing (1989)
97. Blade Runner (1982)
98. Yankee Doodle Dandy (1942)
99. Toy Story (1995)*
100. Ben-Hur (1959)*
One of my coworkers is an excellent chef. She regularly delights us with her culinary prowress, especially when it comes to birthday celebrations. Hailing from the former Soviet Union, she makes a mean 4 layer torte cake replete with cognac laced icing. Oh it is devine.
Yesterday we were are treated to a sizeable slice of the rich and dreamy cake. I spent the better part of the morning happily plugging away at my task list.
Over lunch I walked up to the circle to meet LT for lunch.
Along the way I saw this:
Which makes me wonder.... just how much cognac does she put in that cake?!
A few months ago LT and I met the wife of one of they guys we play hockey with. We got to talking and as it turns out she's a soccer player and their team was looking for some new blood. When I was about knee high to a grasshopper I did play the game, and did love it muchly. But it's been a good 20 years since I quit. As far as I can recall I must've been close to 16 when I hung up my cleats.
Naturally, I dove at the chance to play again. Since I'm nothing if not enthusiastic I jumped right in with both feet and drug LT along with me to our doom. Mind you, neither one of us has so much as run a single block in over a year and we went out 3 weeks ago to play 90 minutes of non-stop sprinting and ball-chasing soccer in the humid heat of a late summer day in the fields of Indiana.
Our team was short that week and we had no subs on the sidelines to offer us any breaks. Every time either of us started to just walk a bit on the field to recover someone in the backfield would shout a heart RUN! GREEN! GET TO THE BALL! And so we would dig up some speed from god knows where and zip off after the ball.
With roughly 30 minutes left in the game my shoes had rubbed my heels raw and I was hobbling around still valiantly trying to stay in the play. I was dripping with the sweat of a thousand.... er, sweaty things and generally was knocking at death's door. Or so I thought at the moment.
When the game finally and mercifully ended we both collapsed into a mishapen heap on our bench panting and trying to affix a smile to our faces as our new teammates gathered round and congratulated us on our big comeback to the game. The girl that recruited us got a clap on the back for her "good finds" and I found myself writing out a check to the team leader committing us to play for the next couple of months.
Silly me.
For approximately 9 days following that first game neither LT nor I could walk with out a limp of some sort. Her shoes were not properly fitted and she bruised both of her big toes to the point that they were nearly black. I had ever so lovely blisters on my heels and my quads were generally quite hateful towards me anytime I requested their use.
We ended up skipping our second game so we could heal a bit and get ready for the third game. We shopped for some better shoes and special friction resistant socks and got ourselves all decked out for this week's match.
Last night we trotted out on to the pitch and gave 'er the old college try once more. Probably 40 minutes into the game I attempted a long clearing shot and felt the joy of my left quad asking me for a divorce. Apparently it had had enough of my abusive ways and wanted nothing more to do with me or running or kicking or generally allowing me to walk.
And so...I have come to the realization that my triumphant return to the green spaces of futbol is going to be a short but sweet trip as well as a moderately expensive realization that I am no longer a teenager and should stick to things more appropriate for my age group. Like drinking red wine and watching the world cup on teevee.
I can't decide whether it's cool or concerning that I work in an environment where I regularly receive emails with subject lines such as this:
ATTN: Scientists Using Fresh Human Blood and Other Biological Fluids
So I got the link from Greg's blog, and did this Celebrity Lookalike thing :
I think I prefer this version :
In either case, it's clearly all about the glasses. I don't think I really look like Primo Levi or James Spader. But it pleases me to know Peter Sellers, Elton John, Larry King, Nana Mouskouri, Jack Osbourne and I all have something in common, even if that something is "big plastic frames." Plus, I get to say I "look like" Wim Wenders. That's pronounced "Vim," for those of us with an insistently labio-velar approximant. And you know it means something to have Vim on your side. That's almost as good as Vigor, which is just one step shy of Viggo, as in Mortensen (who was really only hot in Lord of the Rings, and does not wear strikingly bold-framed glasses, but hey, I'm not judging).
By the way, go ahead, call me a dork, I still think it rocks. Did Richard Avedon show up on your celebrity lookalike thing? Yeah, that's what I thought.
(No, you shut up. Barry Levinson has fabulous taste in glasses)
